Anxiety No. 1174... Dancing

Dancing is like getting your photograph taken: you’re usually pissed when it happens, and the sooner you get over the fact that you’re going to look stupid the more fun you have doing it. Good dancers dance from the hips, bad dancers dance from the shoulders. At formal occasions, these two categories are often referred to as ‘ladies’ and ‘gentlemen’.

Dancing is very much like singing in that we all secretly convince ourselves we’re good at it when we’re alone, but are instantly mortified to be caught at it unawares. Both are an act of happiness that are likely to get on other people’s tits: just like whistling, laughing manically and designing lingerie.

The drunker you get, the bolder the dance move you attempt, starting with the humble hip- twist hand-wave right the way up (or down) to the body-pumping break-dance. Of course, the enlightened soul knows that the only thing it takes to be a good dancer is to enjoy yourself. Naturally, this is not applicable to any family members above the age of twenty-five.

Fortunately, dancing is only one small part of the human mating ritual. Unfortunately, standing next to a set of speakers in a dark night-club it’s the only one that really matters - having money, charm or a fantastic myspace page won’t get you anywhere.

Taxi!