Anxiety No. 1173... Swearing

Swearing is like shagging: you learn about it from your mates, and the first time you realise your parents do it leaves you shocked and irreversibly closer to adulthood.

Though often criticised, swear words have a subtle quality that evades most of our language: it is difficult to explain the difference between a ‘dick-head’, a ‘wanker’ and a ‘prick’, but we all instinctively know which one to describe people as when the time comes.

In the far-east, swearing usually contains references to goats, cows or other livestock. This is perhaps due to the importance of agriculture in economically deprived societies. In Latin America, swearing typically alludes to your Mother, Mother’s Mother, or other family member. This may be down to the importance of family in a culture in which multi-generational households are commonplace. In Britain, swearing tends to focus on penises, breasts or backsides. This is probably because we’re all so shite in bed.

Time softens swear words into antiquity so that they go from demons to national treasures: examples include ‘bloody’, ‘bollock’, and Ronnie Biggs.