Anxiety No. 1172... Public ToiletsPublic Toilets

Public toilets are an arena in which you feel like a Man or a Mouse – depending on how much alcohol you’ve had to drink. The first decision that must be made is whether to use the urinal, or the cubicle. The former takes a Man, the latter, a Mouse.

The Man will invariably sigh, glance down to aim, then look straight ahead. A pale enamel square will be studied as intently as a rabid dog if another Man is standing by the same spot. The Mouse may feel a loss of pride for having opted for the cubicle, and will compensate for such with a token nose-blowing. This lets the Men outside know that he is there for the tissue, not the privacy.

First-class public toilets are generally reserved for the disabled and, luckily, are almost always free. You get cushioned seats, a full roll of toilet paper and an extra foot of leg space. There’s even a red chord to pull if you get stuck.

Public toilets are the only places outside of pornography where it is perfectly legal for large groups of men to handle their genitals in front of one another.