Anxiety No. 1175... Flatulence

Flatulence was God’s way of reminding us not to take ourselves too seriously. If Hamlet were to fart at the end of Act III Scene I, we’d be too busy sniggering to care if he was to be or not to be.

Flatulence is an excellent way of gauging intimacy between people. While a couple who have been together for a long time will be happy to fart into one another thighs while spooning, giggle and then fall gently asleep, a couple lying in bed after a one night stand will have to tip-toe to the bathroom and then flush the toilet loudly in order to fully ‘let rip’.

Along with semen, snot and holiday snaps, flatulence is something you don’t mind when it’s your own but would be loathed to witness coming from someone else. This excludes young men, for whom communal farting is important in replacing the acts of sharing feelings and offering one another emotional support.

Flatulence is like a beer in the summer time: it can be a source of great happiness, but you’ll try and send it back immediately if it’s too warm.